Feel
by LJ Squeaks
Summary: My version of JJ leaving the show... please R&R. Warning: Character death! A little OOC, I don't believe this would actually happen but I just had the idea and had to write it.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Morgan feels it, sitting around the conference table, going over their next case. The room is quiet, sullen… The space next to the monitor is empty and there is no voice speaking to them, telling them, where to go, and what bad guy to catch. The team looks at the file as Hotch finally speaks up.

"We're going to Philadelphia. Two women have been murdered in the past two weeks, both in their apartments." Hotch says. There is no discussion about it, they don't speculate or have small talk. The team nods and closes the file. "Wheels up in 10." The others leave the table but Morgan remains for a moment, staring at the spot where she used to stand. They don't use the monitor anymore, just the pictures in the file. Morgan finally gets up, sighing as he closes the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Emily feels it as they walk pass her door. The crime scene tape is still there, tape Emily had put up herself, though the crime was over and the scene already looked over. That door is rarely shut but none of them can bring themselves to remove the tape and open it. Emily just stares at the door, unable to move. Rossi walks past her and places a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"Emily, you can't keep doing this. It's not your fault." Rossi says, tightening his grip on her shoulder. She moves forward, brushing it off. Rossi looks sadly at the door.

"Rossi, we have to go." Morgan says. Rossi nods and walks down into the bullpen. He takes one last glance at the door and moves towards the exit to head to the plane.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Rossi feels it on the plane, listening to Hotch talk about the press. He can barely stay sitting upright and sighs. He wishes he had realized how important she was to them all, how much they relied on her energy.

"We have to handle the press care…" His words tail off as he tries to decide who to assign. It is a tough torturous task. "I'll do it." Rossi hangs his head. Hotch is tough but this might push him too far. The others can barely handle the day to day things. Rossi tries to speak but finds that the words won't leave his mouth. Hotch nods, knowing Rossi's thoughts. Rossi gets up and moves to the back of the plane, staring at the seat where she stayed, looking at her Blackberry like it is the most precious item in existence. Little did he know, a few times, all she did was look at pictures of the team. He sits across from it, remembering the day he met her... and the day he told that she joined the FBI after seeing one of his lectures. He'd give anything to be back on those steps, listening to her talk or watching one of her press conferences on TV. She had such a way with people. He looks back at Hotch, wishing that the younger man wouldn't place this burden on himself. Someone not connected to this team could easily do the conference. Rossi sighs, knowing Hotch wasn't ready to give that part of her up yet.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Hotch feels it at the press conference, try to contain the reporters. He isn't built for this. He doesn't have her reassuring smile or calm demeanor. He doesn't talk, deep in his head, trying to think of what she would say if she were here. The reporters ramble on and he closes his eyes, trying to block it out. He gives in and opens his eyes, preparing to speak, the words in his head. He opens his mouth but all he can say is "No comment." The reporters jump into a frenzy, continually asking questions. Hotch signs. How did she ever handle this? A small sob escapes him. "I'm sorry." He backs away from the podium and lets the noise fill his head as he walks away.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Garcia feels it every time she answers the phone. No matter who calls, the voice is never the one she wants to hear. She can't be funny, she has no witty comebacks to boost the team's mood. She barely has the energy to tell Hotch, "I'll get right on it, boss." Normally someone says something but they know better. There is only one thing that can pick Garcia up out of this and she was gone. Morgan's heart breaks a little every time he calls her because he can tell that it's not his baby girl on the other end. It's Garcia. Penelope Garcia… technical analyst for the FBI. Some days she wonders if she could ever make it back from this. Or if this was just some horrible sick twisted joke and her friend was going to walk through that door, her brilliant smile in place. Garcia can barely picture it anymore but she remembers the times her friend would stay with her. When she would jab at the wall with thumb pins, making a geographical profile for the team… or when the CIA came and Garcia was determined to find out about Princess Diana… or Garcia's computer date on Camelot and how she pestered at the concept. Occasionally, Garcia remembers Battle and how her friend just stepped up. She had never shot a person before, how would she be able to kill one? But talking to her afterward, "I never even blinked. You do whatever it takes to… uh, protect your family," she said. Garcia didn't think she could love her friend more than she did that night. Garcia saves her crying for home, she can't risk someone calling and her having to answer the phone. The rest of the team does the same but Garcia is supposed to be the emotional one, the one who cries when bad things happen and the fact that she can't worries them all.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I really appreciate the reviews. I like hearing what you guys think. It keeps me motivated to write. Well, here's Reid's chapter. I put some careful consideration into this one and I like how it turned out. Hope you do! :)

Chapter 6

Reid feels it on the plane ride back, staring at the empty seat where his best friend usually sat when they played poker. He shuffles his deck, thinking about how she used to hold these cards or joke with Morgan every time he lost. 'He cheats' she'd say, like it was no big deal. Reid remembers the 'top secret' Redskins game, they were both a little afraid of how they felt… and then Will came along and he remembers how glad he was just to be her best friend. He remembers telling Gideon that she was the only person to call him 'Spence' and he wishes that he could just here her say that name one more time. He remembers being overwhelmed with joy when she asked him to be Henry's godfather and knowing his promise to help him get into Yale. When the rest of the team would become annoyed with his many facts, she would just sit there and listen, like she had nothing better to do in the whole world. She'd joke with him but he knew that she always listened. He remembers her tears when they got him back from Hankel and how after that she would never let him out of her sight. Who would watch out for him now? Who would guard him from the demons? He'd become so accustomed to her being in his life. He never had to worry that she wouldn't be there. Now that she isn't… well, Reid is just a little bit more than lost.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Henry feels it too, years later standing in the rain in front of his parents' graves, wondering how everything can get so messed up. He remembers his father's voice, the accent he has inherited and his mother's smile and sparkling blue eyes. He never liked mirrors because all he can do when he looks in one is stare at this own eyes, blue as her but missing that brilliant shine. He barely talks, the sound of his voice painful to hear, but when he does his words are filled with wisdom from his godparents. He mostly stayed at Reid's when he was younger but when he got older, he had nothing against shuffling between the team members' house. He is twenty-two now, living in his mother's old apartment. Still, it haunts him at night, the terrors he can't run from, knowing she walked down the same hallway when she couldn't sleep. Reid tells him that most nights, she would call him and all they would do is talk and he extends the same offer to Henry. Henry never accepts it. He just watches the videos of his mother that Garcia gave to him. When he was younger, he'd often ask why things never worked out between Reid and his mother. All Reid would say was "Top secret". Henry never presses the issue; it is obviously Reid's private moment with his best friend. A girl walks up behind him and wraps her arms around him. Henry pulls away and kneels in front of his parent's grave. The girl smiles and kneels by him.

"Mom, Dad, I want you to meet someone." Henry says. "This is Tess, I'm gonna marry her and I thought that you should meet her before I do." Tess smiles and grabs Henry's hand and he sits back on the muddy grass. "It's raining today. I know you loved the rain, Hotch told me so. Dad didn't like it though, right, Dad? It was always too muddy. It's muddy today, too, but I don't really mine. Mud washes out. I love you guys." Henry smiles weakly and for a moment, you can see that sparkle in his eyes, the one that he missed the most.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

JJ feels it the hardest, sitting in her office that day, door closed, still in her dress from the funeral. The others are changing, getting ready for the case they have been called out on. Her relief at Henry's survival is evident but it does not change the fact that Will is gone. She stares at his picture for a minute, tears streaming down her cheeks. In her head, she could hear all their voices, most were screaming and yelling but two stood clear. Will saying, "Don't do this, love." And Reid, quoting Albert Camus, "But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself." She wasn't sure she had the courage anymore. She couldn't feel it like she used to. It used to beat in her heart, flow through her sure as the blood in her veins, but it was gone… she'd had the courage before Will but like the many other things he took with him to his grave, her courage was one of them. Henry would survive. Reid and Garcia would make sure of that. She cries, trying to think, but nothing seems right anymore. She sets the picture down, places her badge in front of it and reaches for her gun. She steadies herself, holds it up to her head and fires.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The whole team feels it, a little piece of their world shattering as they hit the floor. Reid is the first up, bolting toward JJ's door, wondering who is shooting. He barely makes it a step inside the door before he collapses to the ground. Morgan rushes to Reid's side, trying not to look at her desk as he picks Reid up and moves away. Reid struggles against Morgan, trying to get back to JJ.

"Let me go!" Reid shouts. "She needs help." Garcia sits in Morgan's chair, unable to move. Hotch stands above the bullpen and Rossi has retreated into his office. Emily is curled up in her chair, crying. "Morgan!"

"It's over! She's gone!" Morgan yells. Reid struggles some more. Morgan tightens his grip on the young genius. "Reid!"

"No…" Reid cries. "JJ's not dead… JJ can't be dead… Henry, he…" Reid falls limp in Morgan's arms.

"I know." Morgan says. He manages to get Reid back in his chair. "Stay." Garcia reaches out for Morgan. "Baby girl come here."

"Morgan did you see?" Garcia asks. Morgan shakes his head. "I want to see her." Morgan shakes his head again. "Don't tell me that. I want to see JJ!" Morgan takes Garcia's hand and they walk up to JJ's office. Garcia gasps and turns away.

"What have you done to yourself, princess?" Morgan asks. Garcia runs out of the office. Morgan follows, closing JJ's door.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Just watched the season premiere of CM. It was amazing! Can't wait for next week, we'll see the real way that JJ leaves the show but here's the end of my way. Hope you like it!

Chapter 10

The funeral was small, JJ's friends and family and a few other FBI members. Reid holds Henry, staring down at the tiny boy without a clue what to do. Most of the team's heads are bowed, unable to look up, afraid to lock eyes with JJ's parents. Jack steps forward with his father and places a rose on the coffin. Garcia can't stand to watch. Such small kids shouldn't have to be at this many funerals so young. She remembers JJ and Will standing behind her at Haley's funeral, not wanting to impose, simply be there if someone needed them. That's the kind of people they were. The other moves forward to pay their respects. A light drizzle falls over the proceedings, like the sky is crying too. Like the whole earth feels the same way as they do. How could this be it? How can two people who had such a joy for life just be gone? Who would ever want to kill Will? And why hadn't any of them noticed JJ's collapse? She had told them the warning signals for suicide. What kind of profilers – people – were they that they didn't notice their friend's pain? How come they didn't notice how she was feeling?

~The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.~

~Harriet Beecher Stowe~


End file.
